Last week, my 23 year old daughter said she'd like us to build a sukkah. We haven't built one since her freshman year of college. And, the only reason we built it that year was because she called and told us we had to!
So, she and I set to work on the building - a day late and on Shabbat! Hey, we're interfaith! It was a gorgeous Saturday - late morning, when we started. Autumn sounds, smells, and temperatures were in full swing. It was a beautiful way to spend a Fall day.
11:00AM: I took the component parts down from their storage area in the garage. She carried everything out to the yard.
12:00PM: The bottom perimeter was easy. The vertical poles were a cinch. Then, we started the roof poles.
1:30PM All seemed good, right until a pole came crashing down inches from my head.
2:00PM Maybe we should eat, she says. No, let's finish the roof, I say. That was followed by the hammer falling on my wrist because I was tired. One pole to go. We can do this. No, we can't. Nothing will budge to squeeze the final pole into place.
3:00PM That's when we asked my husband, her father, for help. He explained the problem (along with the shoulda's, coulda's, and woulda's), gave the solution (including starting the roof over again), and then walked away. My blood pressure was rising.
Didn't he understand? She probably doesn't even realize it. Her Catholic boyfriend is coming to visit during Sukkot. She wants to share this with him. It's one of our favorite holidays, not one all Jews celebrate. She wonders if she'll always have a Sukkah. She's dealing with the same issues we did 30 years ago. As my brother said, "Tell your husband, what goes around, comes around."
And why didn't my husband start the answer to our problem with, "Hey, thanks, Catholic mother who raised two Jewish children. Thanks for building a sukkah with our grown daughter. I built one every year for my entire childhood. And then every year for our children's childhood. I'm over it, but it's cool that you're not." Nope, he left the shiksa to build the sukkah and then told her what she did wrong.
Upon reflection, I realize that this happens in many Christian families too. One parent is all about Christmas decorations - the garland, the tree, the lights. The other one - not so much. And, yes, my brain knows that. However, my heart - even after 23 years of being an interfaith mom - still says, "REALLY? REALLY? I'm the one building this thing? This was definitely not part of the deal when I told you that I thought we should raise our kids Jewish. And that when I do things, I typically do them 110%."
Oh, wait, I guess it probably was.
Take note those of you considering this journey...there are unintended consequences. When you decide to raise a child in a religion different than your own, you may be taking on the holidays on your own. You may be building a sukkah - or struggling with Christmas lights. How committed are you?
3:30PM Lunch
4:00PM Take down the roof and start over again.
5:00PM Nap
6:30PM Dinner in the sukkah.
