Merry Chanukah! Happy Christmas!

There is lots of discussion this year about the first night of Chanukah. It falls on Christmas Eve. That makes many people happy. Me? I say, "Ugh.

I've spent the past 19 years trying to separate the two.

When we received the invitation to attend the Chanukah celebration at our Synagogue, to be held a week early, I was confused. Why would a Jewish congregation be celebrating an 8-day-long holiday a week early? Just because it falls on Christmas? I called the Rabbi to ask. She told me that is a logistical thing. Most people have plans during the break. The kids are off from school, so they visit family, go on a trip, hang out with friends, or go to a movie. No one wants to commit to coming to Synagogue that week. So, despite my confusion, we went to the celebration. Many families brought their menorah; we did not. They were given the option to light 1 candle, all of the candles, or none. It was…odd.

Gifts

Our kids have always received Christmas gifts on Christmas morning (ostensibly only items that would fit in a stocking - that didn't last long). When they were younger, just like every kid who celebrates Christmas, they came bouncing into our bedroom before dawn to tell us it was time to see what Santa had brought. For Chanukah, they receive a gift a night - usually some combination of a big gift on the first night and small gifts on the other 7 nights. We often give them the option to open all of their gifts on the first night or spread them out through the 8 nights, but they have to agree. It has never happened that they agree to get them all in one night, so we went with a gift a night. If Christmas and Chanukah overlap at all, they generally don't receive a Chanukah gift on Christmas Eve or Day.

On Christmas morning, there is never any huge pile at our house, but there are overflowing stockings. Gifts, as you know, are expensive. So, we decided long ago that we'd give the kids little gifts and treats on Christmas and maybe one big gift. Then, we save the other big gifts to be from Mom and Dad for Chanukah. So, when the holidays overlap, I am always hoping that the gifts we gave them would balance each other out.

The Pleasure of Gift-Giving

However, when Chanukah comes before Christmas and exists as a holiday unto itself, I find great joy in the gift-giving experience. Lighting the candles each night brings our family together. Everything stops - before we sit down to dinner - as we sing the blessings and light the candles. Then, when the kids receive one gift, they enjoy that gift for a full 24 hours! During the years of hot toys, they may even get them before the other kids.

Christmas Eve

Second Cousins

Cousins

Tonight is Christmas Eve! Our family loves Christmas Eve. We spend it in the warmth of my niece's home with her family and quite a few of my other nieces, nephews, and great nieces and nephews, my brother and a sister-in-law. In years past, my parents were there. Gift-giving is at a minimum, and the night is centered around simply being together. Two years in a row, my daughter made a decision to go/not go on a trip because she didn't want to miss Christmas Eve/Day with my family. (More on that later this week.)

1st Night of Chanukah

Tonight, before we leave, we will set aside time to light the candles on the menorah. We'll probably choose the small fast-burning candles, so that the candles have a chance to burn all the way. In years past, when we have been in the midst of Chanukah, if we lit the candles at all on Christmas Eve, it would be after we came home. However, the first night is always special.

First Night

8 Nights of Chanukah

Everyone knows the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas." The days leading up to Christmas are busy, busy, busy. Baking, shopping, and wrapping consume us. Then, the week after Christmas is spent visiting with friends and family, relaxing, and just spending time with your spouse and children. This year, the entire 8 nights of Chanukah will fall during the window of Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve. Me? I say, "That's a shame." When the 8 nights fall in early to mid-December, my family gets 8 nights to stop everything and be together for the 15 minutes it takes to celebrate the holiday that night. We'll still do it this year, but it will be before or after a movie, wedged in during Eve's - an afterthought. I'll miss that moment in time this year.

Happy Chanukah! Merry Christmas!

Christmas Minyan

Last year, I spent Christmas night at Shabbat Services. We had spent the past 24 hours with my Catholic family. Christmas Eve in one house. Christmas dinner at another. On the way home, on a warm and rainy Christmas night, we decided to take a drive through the nearby light show. We passed the local Chinese restaurant, and it was packed. We knew that there were certainly enough Jews for a  minyan. My husband mentioned that there were services at our synagogue in an hour. I said, "I'm game." My daughter said that she'd like to go to services before returning to college. Son was not as enthusiastic, but he didn't complain either. So, after listening to Christmas carols on Pandora as we viewed the light show, I said good-bye to Christmas for the year by pausing the carols at the conclusion of the song. Then we pulled into the synagogue parking lot. We were the only interfaith family in attendance, but we weren't the only family. It was a peaceful - and enjoyable way to end the holiday.

Our Rabbi's d'var was all about balance. Although my response to her question about balance focused on career and family, I just now realized how, at that very moment, I was balancing my role as an interfaith mother. At that point, with my parents gone, I was wondering why I'm still trying to walk this balance beam. I'm wondering…

During services, my son, who by no fault of his own, had a rather unique formal Jewish upbringing, sang out strong - reading either the Hebrew or having memorized the blessings. My daughter, a freshman in college, was there by choice. We had done what we set out to do.

Good Shabbos, Christmas.

Shalom, Christmas

Music is such an important part of our family's life. My parents met each other dancing, and they danced their entire lives together. My father-in-law is a Cantor, and my husband, daughter, and son are all musicians. We are surrounded by music.

So, sometime in early November, when my children start asking when the radio station is going to be all-Christmas, I bristle. I tell them that if it starts before Thanksgiving, I just can't listen to it. Christmas music should be special. For me, it brings back all kinds of December memories, so I'd prefer that it not start in mid-November. When I hear The Little Drummer Boy, I think about the living nativity. When we sing O Come All Ye Faithful, it reminds me that my Dad wouldn't let us put the baby Jesus in the manger until late on Christmas Eve. We Three Kings is a reminder that the Three Wise Men shouldn't be placed around the nativity until January 6th - the feast of the Epiphany. Rudolph and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus bring back memories of singing along with Mitch Miller. I try to make all of these connections for my children, at least letting them in on the memories, even if the religious ones don't resonate with them.

Singing Stille Nacht

Our family has built a musical Christmas tradition that feels familiar to all of us. It is a week away. I am deep into the prep at this point, and as much as I may whine about it, I enjoy it. I turn on a sappy Hallmark channel movie or sing along to Christmas carols, as I clean the house from top to bottom. We host an annual holiday party with a typical crowd of about 100 (and invite 200). It’s a real mix of Christians and Jews. Everyone comes together, in our interfaith home, to celebrate the season. Our house is decorated with snowmen, carolers, ornament trees, and menorahs. It is comfortable for everyone, and it brings them joy. My Jewish husband plays the piano, and our family and friends join us to sing Christmas carols and a few Chanukah songs. 

Lots of Little Ones - All Grown Up Now

Many of my brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, nephews, spouses, and children come. When my parents joined us, they danced during their favorite songs. The year Mom passed away, it was bittersweet when we sang, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Another year, my very dear friend stepped up to the piano to belt out Santa Baby" with me. Did you know that there are lots of Jews who love to sing Christmas carols? One of my vivid memories from this day is of my Jewish sister-in-law and my father-in-law, the Cantor, singing Stille Nacht (Silent Night) at the piano.  There are a few people who have made it every year - for 24 years. Many have come for at least 20! Each year, there is someone who joins us for the first time. Our friends' children have grown up coming to our party. This year, a little girl who wore her velvet Christmas dress at age 4, will bring her boyfriend at age 19. Now, our children invite their high school and college friends to join us. When, in November, people start asking "When is your party," you know you've created a tradition.

Getting Ready Many Years Ago

Our children enjoy preparing for the big day, and they look forward to inviting new friends. My daughter even postponed her Birthright Israel trip, because it would overlap our holiday party. One boy, after coming for the past 8 or so years, visited a few days after the party to make gingerbread houses. He was surprised that we were playing Christmas music. "I thought you were Jewish," he said. "We are, but haven't you been coming to our holiday party for years?" He responded, "Yes, but I thought you just did that for the Christians!"

You know what? I think we're doing it right.

Twice Means Tradition

When my parents were growing up, they were part of the melting pot generation. Their parents believed in being American - not Italian, not German. That may be the reason that we didn't have a lot of family tradition. It could also be the fact that there were so many of us! 

For our first Christmas, my husband surprised me with a fully-decorated Christmas tree. Since I was a bird watcher, he found enough bird ornaments to cover the entire tree. It was one of those special moments. Then, once our daughter was born, it seems like she said the phrase, "We always do it that way," from the moment she could talk. Tradition has always been important to her. When she was about 2 1/2, she laid under our Christmas tree and basked in the glow of the lights. Yes, it was a beautiful moment --- one that gave me pause. 

We were beginning to build our own family traditions. I knew that what we did at age 2 1/2 was going to be the beginning of traditions that would last a lifetime. If you know me, you know that I tend to do things all the way or not at all. So, if I was going to have Jewish children, I was going to have Jewish children - not half-Jewish. That year I made the decision that it would be the last year to have a Christmas tree.

However, I can't lie to you. As I walk through my neighborhood at this time of year, I do have Christmas decorating envy. I so enjoy walking about the neighborhood to see the lights. The trees peeking out through the windows of my neighbors' homes delight me. We did have lights for a couple of years. About a year after we moved into our home, my husband decided that he was going to have lights. He made the columns on our front porch look like candy canes. The lights could have landed a plane! If you give a Jew some lights at Christmas...he'll go overboard! Although that was probably the last time we had lights, our wonderful next-door-neighbors had loads of beautiful white lights across the front of their house. Because of the way our houses are placed, their lights always wandered close to our trees. I always hoped that they'd find their way on to our trees. They never did! When our daughter was about 3 years old, and our son was a newborn, we spent most nights driving around town looking for lights. Now, every time I see Christmas lights, I think of my daughter's tiny voice, "Yights, Mommy, more yights!"

Our decorations at this time of year include menorahs, snowmen, stockings, and two ornament trees. My kids enjoy the decorating more than I do; it's the tradition I enjoy.

I suppose I've overcompensated for the lack of Christmas decorations by buying menorahs (we're up to 10), special candles, and even an oil menorah. The glow of the candles each night warms my heart.

Decorating is a major part of this holiday season. As an interfaith family, we built our own traditions and figured out what works for us.