Our Mailbox

(An old post never published)

I can't tell you how many times I've opened our mailbox and wondered what the mailman must be thinking. At one point, we had the Catholic Standard and Times and the Jewish Exponent arrive on the same day! Then there were other days when we'd have the envelopes from the Church arrive on the same day that the Synagogue bulletin showed up. Even our mailbox is a testament to our interfaith family.

I wonder what others think, but I don't worry about it. In my work with Jewish educators, I am always clear that I am the non-Jewish half of an interfaith family. At first, I thought they would be shocked. However, I'm more shocked than they are. As Jews, they are surrounded by interfaith families on a regular basis. However, how often is it that they are met with someone in a leadership role who is part of an interfaith family?

If we sat down to coffee, would they question the fact that my kitchen table has a "Christmas-y" table cloth? Or when Easter Sunday falls during Passover, would they be surprised that I gladly accept the Easter bread that my neighbor stops by to deliver? Of course, it gets put away until after Passover, but I'm not sure that I won't have a piece.

 

My focus is on innovative education. How innovative is it that a former Catholic school teacher is spending her time focusing on how to build a strong Jewish identity in children? I guess my values haven't changed all that much, since we decided to raise our children Jewish. I felt it was important for them to identify with a religion -- to understand the jokes, the conversations, the stories.

Lessons in Life at my Birdfeeder

These days, I spend my Saturday and Sunday mornings working or reading at my kitchen table. It gives me time to watch the birds at my feeders and birdbath. In the span of 2 minutes this morning, and in most cases all at the same time, there was at least one:

Junco, House Sparrow, Tufted Titmouse, Black-capped Chickadee, Carolina Wren, House Finch, Mourning Dove, and a Red breasted Nuthatch. 

At most times, there was at least one squirrel. They happily coexist, as the ground feeders wait for the squirrel to push seed to the ground. There's always one or two that are pushy. One House Finch dive bombed another for a spot on the feeder. For just a moment, there was a Blue Jay and the rest dispersed. And long enough for me to take a few pictures, a Cooper's Hawk perched in the tree. Even the squirrel froze in his tracks. Then everyone returned - some right away. Others waited until they felt it was safe.

Remember the birds at my birdfeeder. We really can all get along. Sometimes we just have to try.

Sitting in the Sukkah

The hard work is worth it. The simple act of eating in the sukkah is like having Shabbat for a week. 

Sitting in a sukkah forces you to sit and talk a spell. It's what I always thought it would be to have a wrap-around porch with white rockers.

On a normal night, immediately after dinner, we often clear the table. Then we move into the family room and watch the news, a cooking show, or the latest show on Netflix. Instead of finishing dinner and immediately clearing the table, the night sounds, the dim lights, and the comfort of being surrounded by the swaying walls and night sky invite you to just be.

We talk longer. We talk about things other than work. We laugh a bit more. We simply don't rush.

Questions to Ask Yourself (or Your Child)

I have been an interfaith Mom for 24 years. The time has come when both of my 21+ year old children have been dating wonderful young people who are not Jewish. Does this surprise my husband and me? No. Does it concern me? Not really. Personally, I just want them to think about what it means should the day arrive when they decide to make their relationship a lifelong commitment, one that very well could include children. My biggest concern is that they don't think about it at all. I tried to make it look easy. I tried to have them not witness the sadness that sometime overtook me. I tried to make them feel like our life was just like any other family. I think I succeeded. As a result, it made me wonder if they might be thinking, "Well, Mom and Dad did it. Of course, we can." So, one day, I began to dictate questions into my phone - questions I think should be pondered by every young person seriously dating a person of a different faith. Some parents may even think that Jews of different branches or Christians of different branches should also consider some of these questions.

For the record, we asked our son first. He's the younger one, and he had no idea the questions were coming. Without us knowing, he asked his girlfriend of 9 months (at the time). We don't know her responses. Then we asked our daughter, also without warning. We asked her to let us ask her boyfriend of nearly three years. We asked him with her present. All of them played along, and none of them seemed offended.

Although my husband would say differently, I don't think any of these questions have a wrong answer. My goal is just to make sure that they have an answer. And, hopefully, they will encourage a conversation or two. 

I would really enjoy reading your responses to the questions in the comment selection below - or on Facebook.

1. What is the purpose of religion?

2. What does it mean to raise a child in both religions?

3. What does it meant to raise a child with no religion and let them choose?

4. If you choose to raise a child in the religion of your spouse, what are the implications for you?

5. Are there beliefs, dogma, or theology in the other person's religion that conflict with what you believe? 

6. If the answer to the question above is yes, how would you feel if your child believed that? Or if they came home from church/synagogue/religious school talking about it?

7. While growing up, if someone asked me, "What are you?" I'd say Italian and German. I wouldn't say Catholic. Some religions, Judaism as example, are considered a "culture." What does that mean?

8. If you choose to raise your children in your spouse's religion, will you still celebrate your own holidays? If so, will you celebrate them in your home? What will that look like? Or will you celebrate them with your extended family?

9. If you choose to raise your children in your religion, how will your spouse feel when you take your children to services or Mass?

10. If you choose to raise your children in your religion, how will you feel if your spouse takes your children to their religious services or Mass?

11. If you choose to raise your children in your religion, what are your expectations for your spouse? Will you go to Mass or services as a family? Will they participate in religious school?

12. If you choose to raise your children in your spouse's religion, what are your expectations for yourself? Will you go to Mass or services as a family? Will you participate in religious school?

Passover for the win!

We had a wonderful Passover this year! It actually felt like a holiday because both of our children were home, and they each brought a guest - their girlfriend and boyfriend. My son asked about the holiday about a month ago and was disappointed that, once again in the time of COVID, the family would not be gathering together for our traditional Seder. He asked if he could still come home from college to be with us. Normally, it would be a resounding, "Yes, of course!" This year had the need for logistics. Could he get tested? Would he quarantine? He did both, and so did his girlfriend. Clearly, he wanted to be home for the holiday. So did his sister's boyfriend. In fact, her boyfriend was the one who insisted on the quarantine. That's a smart bunch of young people.

The regulars all joined us for the Zoom Seder, and, like last year, we  had some join us from far and wide who don't usually get to celebrate with us. We did a full service with all of the ritual. Everyone sang. Everyone read several parts. It was real. As I looked around the Zoom screen, I realized that we were about 2/3 Jews and 1/3 gentiles. We had two gentiles with us. Our nephew has a gentile girlfriend and was joined by their Jew-ish friend who has Jewish roots in Argentina. Another extended family member is married to a gentile. I guess we were trendsetters. 

This weekend, our kids are celebrating Easter with the boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no question; it makes sense. We haven't done anything for Easter for years. In fact, when I last struggled with whether or not I should make an Easter basket, my son said, "Mom, we're Jewish. It doesn't matter." The goyim (I hope they understand that I am one as well) joined us to celebrate; I'm glad that our children will get a chance to celebrate with them. 

It all works out; it really does.

I Count the Weeks by Shabbat Candles

The last time we went out to dinner was the Friday of St. Patrick's Day weekend, 2020. 

On the following Friday night, the first one in quarantine, we lit the Shabbat candles, said the blessings over the candles, wine, and challah and enjoyed the fact that all four of us were at home together for Shabbat.

You use 2 candles per Shabbat, and we don't typically eat at home on Friday nights. So, typically, a box of candles can last us for months. Well, after a couple of 2020 Friday nights, our box of candles was empty.

So, I sent my daughter off to pick up Shabbat candles at the grocery store. She came back with a box of 72! 

"That's all they had, Mom!"

"Oh my," I exclaimed, "it will take us years to use 72 candles!"

About a month ago, we ran out of candles. We had spent 72/2 Shabbats together as a family (sometimes missing one child at college). That's 36 Friday night dinners together. And that doesn't count the first box or the box we are on on now.

It was appropriate that the night we ran out of candles was the same night we were having a Zoom dinner with one of the Interfaith couples (Iffers) who we've known - forever!

When I bought the current box of 12, I whispered a prayer that I wouldn't need a giant box again. But, honestly, it wouldn't be so bad to stop everything, eat a quiet family meal together with our grown children, and be in the moment - another 36 times. 

I still want to say goodbye to this pandemic.

Shabbat Shalom.

No Christmas for Me this Year

The painful reality has set in. There will be no Christmas for me this year.

Christmas is a holiday celebrated at home - with beautiful lights, garland, and tinsel. There's a sparkling, ornament-covered tree in the corner and stocking hanging by the chimney with care.

Many years ago, we decided that Christmas would be low key at our house. We'd decorate with snowmen and stockings, but no tree. We'd enjoy celebrating in the warm embrace of my large extended family.

For 27 years, we welcomed Christmas week with a holiday party and invited 200 friends and family to join us to celebrate the season. The invitations would have gone out just after Thanksgiving. This week, I should have been cleaning the house from top to bottom. COVID cancelled the holiday party.

For probably 18 or so years, Christmas Eve has been spent at my niece's family's house. The kids have enjoyed tracking Santa with their cousins. The opening of gifts by the little ones morphed into a white elephant gift exchange once they all got into their late teens. COVID cancelled the Christmas Eve gathering.

When my parents were alive, we visited them on Christmas Day. My children even helped decorate. Well, my parent's house has been closed up for 9 years now. (That doesn't seem possible.)

For years now, Christmas Day has been laid back with brunch or dinner at my niece and nephew's house. COVID cancelled Christmas Day visits.

Even after 23 years, this time of year is hard. I wonder if it will be easier this year. Or harder? All I know is that there will be no Christmas for me this year. This year will be just another day - watching from afar on Facebook and Instagram. Although most indoor and outdoor Christmas celebrations are cancelled, Santa will still visit. Immediate families will still gather around the tree for gift giving and share traditional family meals. I look forward to your pictures...at least I think I do.

I don't share these thoughts because I want sympathy. I just want to raise awareness that this year may be harder than usual for those who usually only get to truly celebrate Christmas by joining their families in their homes and don't celebrate it in their own homes. Yet another side effect of this pandemic.

Past Christmas-related posts

• Christmas from my Eyes
• December Reflections from an Interfaith Mom
• Can my Child Skip Religious School to Get a Tree?
• Merry Chanukah! Happy Christmas!
• Christmas Minyan
• Shalom Christmas

When You Decide to Raise Children in a Different Religion

Last week, my 23 year old daughter said she'd like us to build a sukkah. We haven't built one since her freshman year of college. And, the only reason we built it that year was because she called and told us we had to!

So, she and I set to work on the building - a day late and on Shabbat! Hey, we're interfaith! It was a gorgeous Saturday - late morning, when we started. Autumn sounds, smells, and temperatures were in full swing. It was a beautiful way to spend a Fall day.

11:00AM: I took the component parts down from their storage area in the garage. She carried everything out to the yard.

12:00PM: The bottom perimeter was easy. The vertical poles were a cinch. Then, we started the roof poles.

1:30PM  All seemed good, right until a pole came crashing down inches from my head. 

2:00PM Maybe we should eat, she says. No, let's finish the roof, I say. That was followed by the hammer falling on my wrist because I was tired. One pole to go. We can do this. No, we can't. Nothing will budge to squeeze the final pole into place. 

3:00PM That's when we asked my husband, her father, for help. He explained the problem (along with the shoulda's, coulda's, and woulda's), gave the solution (including starting the roof over again), and then walked away. My blood pressure was rising.

Didn't he understand? She probably doesn't even realize it. Her Catholic boyfriend is coming to visit during Sukkot. She wants to share this with him. It's one of our favorite holidays, not one all Jews celebrate. She wonders if she'll always have a Sukkah. She's dealing with the same issues we did 30 years ago. As my brother said, "Tell your husband, what goes around, comes around."

And why didn't my husband start the answer to our problem with, "Hey, thanks, Catholic mother who raised two Jewish children. Thanks for building a sukkah with our grown daughter. I built one every year for my entire childhood. And then every year for our children's childhood. I'm over it, but it's cool that you're not." Nope, he left the shiksa to build the sukkah and then told her what she did wrong.

Upon reflection, I realize that this happens in many Christian families too. One parent is all about Christmas decorations - the garland, the tree, the lights. The other one - not so much. And, yes, my brain knows that. However, my heart - even after 23 years of being an interfaith mom - still says, "REALLY? REALLY? I'm the one building this thing? This was definitely not part of the deal when I told you that I thought we should raise our kids Jewish. And that when I do things, I typically do them 110%." 

Oh, wait, I guess it probably was.

Take note those of you considering this journey...there are unintended consequences. When you decide to raise a child in a religion different than your own, you may be taking on the holidays on your own. You may be building a sukkah - or struggling with Christmas lights. How committed are you?

3:30PM Lunch

4:00PM Take down the roof and start over again.

5:00PM Nap

6:30PM Dinner in the sukkah.

We Are Family

Yes, this part of our lives is sad. It's tiring. It's overwhelming. And yet, it shows the power of family.

During this week, my husband's extended family came together to celebrate Passover. This night was different than any other night. We celebrated with family far and near. We celebrated from coast to coast and from North to South. We had family join us from the middle of the country and the middle of the state. Others joined us from the other side of town. It was wonderful. It was a Passover that will be remembered by all. And the amazing thing about it was that it was like every other Passover. My husband worked hard to make sure everyone had the experience. The only difference is that we weren't together physically, but we were together as family - remembering the journey from slavery to freedom.

And, then, my Catholic family came together - two Friday nights in a row. Some of us live within a few miles of each other, and we only see each other at Christmas and Father's Day. And yet, in this time when we are all struggling, we chose to be together. We talked. We laughed. We smiled. We shared the challenges. We celebrated the successes. The nurse, the teacher, the parents, the students - all coming together because we are family.

My Catholic family and my Jewish family are the same. We are family. We find solace in being together. We appreciate each other for who we are, and who we are not. While we talked tonight, on Good Friday, my husband was making Matzah lasagna, and my Italian family looked shocked by the possibility of substituting matzah for lasagna. We laughed. We smiled. We joined in celebration of family.

Oy to the World!

Oy! I love this guy, but now my daughter wants to go to Christmas Eve Mass with him.

My previous post was from a guest blogger. She and I were having a conversation about this time of year - Christmas. Her newly-engaged (to a Catholic boy) daughter, who is planning to raise her children Jewish, mentioned that she is going to go to Christmas Eve Mass with her fiance. Her mother was surprised by her own reaction. She and I talked about it.

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"I am very conscious about not sounding 'too Jewish'. I want him to like Hanukkah and not make it seem difficult. I want him to have an appreciation for light, miracles, and re-dedicating yourself to something." For this mom, Hanukkah is clearly not just about lighting candles and giving gifts.

At the same time, she doesn't want her future son-in-law to feel like, "If you do this (raise your children Jewish), you can't do what's in your heart." She doesn't want to negate his feelings. And what about her daughter's feelings? This mom is concerned that her daughter may water down her own beliefs because she doesn't want her future husband to feel bad.

This young man lives far from home, and he is looking forward to spending time with his parents at Christmas. Although he hasn't been practicing Catholicism for years, he grew up going to Catholic school. In recent years, he has embraced the home-based Jewish ritual and tradition of his future wife's family, but he has only gone to services a couple of times. This mom wonders, "When he goes to Mass on Christmas Eve, will it all come back to him? The feelings? The beliefs?" She wonders, "Is this simply a season to him, or is it about religion? And what does that mean?"

She thinks deeply about how a child sees Christmas and how and adult sees it. She wonders if her future son-in-law, as an adult, will think about the miracle of Christmas and how it applies to the modern world and his own experiences. Or is it simply a holiday? She wonders if he thinks about what kind of light he lets into his life during this season of light.

Speaking of light, she has always delighted in the lights, the music, and the happiness of Christmas. She sees frolicking, goodness, and people being nice to each other. So, her thoughts go from Christmas Eve to the possibility that her daughter will someday have a Christmas tree. She thinks that will be okay with her, since Christmas trees have no religious significance (although some might debate that). She sees it as festive and fun. However, then she remembers that when she was a young girl, her grandfather had refused to enter her house until the family removed the Hanukkah bush! Maybe it's not just about being festive. Oy!

Of course, she could ask her future son-in-law and her daughter about the thoughts that are keeping her up at night. She doesn't want to "rock the boat." After more consideration, she says, "I need to ask; I want them to think."

Yep, this Interfaith thing is easy!

From a Mom's Perspective

My friend's Jewish daughter is engaged to be married to a Catholic man. She was very kind to share HER STORY with me. I imagine her story is very similar to my own Mom's story.  I hope her story will give you a new perspective.

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From my Guest Blogger, who chose to remain anonymous

Growing up, my mom told me that marrying a Jewish guy would make things easier. So, of course, she was happy when I married a nice Jewish boy from my town. The fact is, no matter where your love story begins or how much you love your spouse, marriage isn’t easy.  

This year, I find myself the mom of a daughter who is engaged to a nice Catholic boy. He is a kind, caring and smart young man; we've become very close with him over the past year and a half. About 9 months ago, he asked my husband and me for permission to marry our daughter. Ah, so old-fashioned and sweet! Yet, I said, "No. First, the two of you need to have a conversation about religion, faith, and family. And, if you plan to have children, you need to know how they’ll be raised."

Weeks went by. Then they came back to us with excitement and said they have it all figured out! They’ll raise the children Jewish. You might think that I'd be doing the happy dance. Instead, I had more questions. What does "raising the children Jewish" really mean? I worry. Will they carry on the tradition of bringing light into their home and unplugging at the end of each work week with Shabbat candles? Will they sing Shabbat Shalom like we’ve done since our daughter was born? 

I have concerns. When I'm no longer able to host the Passover Seder, will they feel the need to bring the family together under their roof for our Seder and dinner antics?  Will their children go to Tot Shabbat or will they miss out on the fun? Will they Cook for a Friend? Will they attend Purim Carnivals? 

My worries return, but this time they are different. I worry about their marriage. I’m worried that religion will become a a cause for stress, or, worse, a divisive concept. So, they may either avoid celebrating anything or be split in their celebrations. I’m concerned that in their effort to be both, they’ll be neither; in their hope to blend, they’ll have a watered down version of both. Then those celebrations will lack meaning. 

Most of all, I’m fearful of them not having faith and a spiritual connection to something bigger than themselves – that sense of awe and gratitude that is recognized through Judaism. 

They think it will be easy…….but it’s not……

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As I reflect on our conversation, I'm pretty sure that my mother had the same thoughts back in 1991 - from the Catholic perspective. I miss you, Mom.

Can My Child Skip Religious School to Get a Tree?

Parents in interfaith families have many challenges at this time of year. Among them is the question of how to blend traditions, especially when those not-Jewish traditions do not line up with their decision to raise children in a Jewish home. 

What happens on Sunday morning, when your son has Sunday school, and the grandparents want to bring him to pick out their Christmas tree? Sure, you could ask the grandparents to reschedule. But, it's their 35-year-old tradition to go hunting for a tree after Mass two Sundays before Christmas. And, isn't it awesome that they are including their Jewish grandchild in the tradition? 


Should your Jewish child help their grandparents decorate for Christmas? Absolutely! And take plenty of pictures.

Family is family. Traditions are wonderful. And grandparents aren't going to be here forever. Enjoy the moment. 

An Anniversary

Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. When I told our daughter how we spent the morning, she said, "Well, that was very Jewish!" Huh? We started with breakfast at a Jewish deli. Then we went to Services. We followed that with Chinese food. Okay, I guess that all is a bit stereotypical.

The reality of it is that I would not have done any of those things before I met my husband. After all, the one and only time my mom bought lox, she cooked them in the frying pan! And, I don't ever remember eating Chinese food, although I do remember that there were two Chinese restaurants in my town. That was very exotic food for my family.

What I found particularly interesting about the day was how comfortable I felt at Services. And, this was no ordinary service. We had to be in the city for the morning, and we had a few hours to entertain ourselves. Since this is a common occurrence these days, I had come up with the idea of going to Services some Saturday morning. So, my husband looked up congregations in that neighborhood. He found a Reconstructionist Synagogue that was having services this morning, so we decided to go. It's not uncommon for small congregations to hold services in a building that isn't a synagogue, so the location didn't surprise us.  

When we arrived, there was one elderly woman searching for a Challah cover and table cloth, so she could have a proper Oneg Shabbat! She never found the Challah cover but was happy to have found a table cloth. Since attending Shabbat services is not required, there are times when a service is not well-attended. In fact, you must have a minyan (technically, 10 Jewish men over the age of Bar Mitvah - Reconstructionist Jews are happy with just about any 10 people!) in order to recite certain prayers at a Shabbat service. About 10 minutes after our arrival, another woman, about 20 years our senior, arrived. Both were delighted that we were there. They thought maybe one or two more would join us, but not more due to the severe cold and dusting of snow on the ground. About 20 minutes past 10, the service began with the four of us seated around a table. The elderly woman led the service, and the four of us recited prayers and sang songs. They encouraged us to select tunes that were familiar to us. Periodically, they'd find moments in the service to find out a bit about our lives and to share something about their own. One of the women was born and raised in the Netherlands; she wasn't raised Jewish but knew she had Jewish ancestors prior to the Holocaust. She decided to connect with Judaism as a young woman who had moved to the United States. The other woman lost many family members in the Holocaust and spent much of her life as a Reform Jew. She was happy to see the Reform movement becoming a bit more traditional. 

As the service continued, one retired gentleman arrived - and then another, probably closer to our age. The elderly service leader was doing a "drash," or a d'var Torah - a teaching about this week's Torah portion. She was well-prepared and encouraged us to discuss our own thinking about the portion and how it connected to today. Both of these women became Bat Mitzvah as adults. Both of these women were serious about their Judaism - serious enough to welcome two wandering Jews into their little Shul. 

One of those "Jews" is technically an interfaith Mom. I say "technically" because I was clearly very comfortable in this environment. I was familiar with the ritual, the prayers, and the conversation. I got married at 28; I've been married for 27 years. I've been living in a Jewish home nearly as long as I lived in a Catholic home, nearly my entire adult life. I've raised a 21 year old Jew and an 18 year old Jew. Yes, an interesting way to spend our wedding anniversary.

December Reflections from an Interfaith Mom

Pleased to be the guest blogger for Jewish Learning Venture for December

https://jewishlearningventure.org/december-reflections-from-an-interfaith-mom/