Time Marches On

When our son was born, we decided to join a Jewish congregation. We live in the town where my husband grew up, and his father had retired as the Cantor at a Reform congregation just across the river. We considered joining there, but we wanted to be in the same town where our children would eventually go to school. During my husband's childhood, there were very few synagogues to choose from. In fact, just about the time we were joining a congregation, an elderly woman asked him where he lived. When he responded, she said, "What! You couldn't rub 2 Jews together there." She was shocked to hear that there were indeed 3 synagogues in our town - Reform, Conservative, and Reconstructionist. She gave her opinion: "Reconstuctionist? That's worse than Reform." Although we seriously considered joining the local Reform congregation, where I had taken my Intro to Judaism class, we were told that although I would be welcome in the community and most likely drive my children to/from religious school 2 days a week until they are 13, I would not be able to fully participate in their B'nai Mitzvah. I could almost be an equal parent in my children's religious life. As a result, we did not join that community. Instead, we joined the Reconstructionist synagogue, one that was, and still is, very welcoming of interfaith families. Reconstructionists are all about being Jewish in the United States in the 21st century; it was a good fit.

As I mentioned in my Bringing Challah to Pesach post, I decided to get involved by participating in and even running programs. Although I always felt a little out of place, I knew that doing things at the synagogue was the only way I was going to begin to feel like this was home to me.

In the meantime, I was very lucky to be surrounded by a large Catholic family. They kept me connected to my history. All through the years, I shared in Catholic milestones with my parents, my local brothers, and my nieces' and my nephews' families. My children have a nice relationship with their cousins. I don't think they see each other as "Jewish" or "Catholic" - just as cousins. So that was wonderful. However, although we attended many Baptisms, First Communions, and Christmas Eves, my children were always on the periphery. It was sort of like walking through a big city and looking through the windows at the beautiful displays -- at things you knew you'd never have.

Obviously, I knew that my husband was Jewish when I married him. I just didn't know he was "that Jewish." About the time that our oldest child began religious school, he began to get involved in congregational life. He played music for Shabbat. He published the newsletter and managed the email communications. Then, all of a sudden, he was on the board. Before I knew it, he was the Vice President.

I think I was jealous - of the time he spent with the board members, the Rabbi, planning the music, and attending meetings - lots and lots of meetings.

After much reflection, many years later, I realized that my husband was exactly what I would want as far as involvement in our congregation. He was on the board. He was involved in the music. Everyone knew him - and me. He was branching out into other outreach type of responsibilities at a regional level. People thought highly of him and his dedication. At some point I realized that, if only it were in “another building,” I would have been thrilled.

After doing “this” for 9 ½ years, it took a toll on me. As my daughter became deeply ingrained in being Jewish (and announced she’ll raise her children Jewish), I had a realization about just how much of our life revolves around being Jewish.

I realized that it wasn't about the holidays. We were still doing Christmas to some extent. But, in our home, the rest was gone, and I honestly had no problem with that. I did not grow up with lots of tradition, so I was not missing that piece. What had become overwhelming was the everyday of it: When my son blasted Rick Recht on his CD player. Or when he and his buddy made believe they were in a band and belted out Rick Recht tunes. When my husband practiced Micha Mocha for hours on end and then asked me for my critique. “How do I critique it,” I shouted at him, “when I have no sense of where it belongs, even if you translate it for me?” Or when my daughter and her friend asked if Eve was the first Jewish woman? How do I answer that?

It wasn't that my children are Jewish; it’s that I had no history to share with them. No music to share. I tried to get my daughter interested in the things I did as a kid, like Girl Scouts, despite the fact that she was not all that interested. Little by little I began to feel like my children were missing out on all the years of my life that had come before them. And I was sad.

Musical History

A few days ago, I was traveling through the mountains of Pennsylvania. During my drive, I was listening to a radio station that was featuring one-hit wonders. Often, as I drive through the mountains, my radio will pop in and out of Christian radios stations. So, I wasn't shocked when I was suddenly listening to one of my all-time favorite songs from my Catholic high school days - The Lord's Prayer by Sister Janet Mead. I couldn't help but break out into glorious song. It was 3 minutes of unbridled joy for me - singing one of the songs of my youth. When the song ended, I was surprised that the station had not switched. The Lord's Prayer was one of the one-hit-wonders.

I love to sing. When I was teaching in a Catholic school, I learned to play guitar well enough that I could play the hymns at Mass. I led the singing in one of the schools, and I was the folk group leader in my parish each Sunday. My parents loved to sing in church as well. There was no mumbling the words in my family. You sang out strong, or you didn't sing at all. We believed in the axiom, "He who sings prays twice."

As a new mother, when my babies woke up in the middle of the night, the songs that came to mind as I rocked them back to sleep were always those I grew up with like Let There Be Peace on Earth, Hail Mary, Gentle Woman, The Prayer of Saint Frances, and The Lord's Prayer. I knew all of the words and the melodies. In the middle of the night, I had an internal debate. Did I sing these songs to my newborn babies? Was it wrong? Should I change the words? I was a Catholic mother singing to my newborn Jewish babies, struggling for the words to sing.

When my children grew into toddlers, we had new songs to sing - You Are My Sunshine, Itsy Bitsy Spider, and the songs from Disney Channel - Bear in the Big Blue House and Out of the Box. One of my most wonderful memories as a mom was a visit to the local mall to see the Playhouse Disney tour. I felt such a sense of camaraderie with the parents and children in that mall. We shared a common thread in our lives as parents; it gave me chills as we all sang the songs of our children's youth.

When my children were toddlers, my husband began to get more involved in our congregation. He offered to play the piano for services. In no time, he was composing liturgical music. So our home was filled with Shabbat music throughout the week. As he played more often, the songs and blessings became more a part of our daily lives than I ever imagined they would be. These were songs that, until a few years earlier, I had never heard. He knew every version from multiple Jewish movements - Reconstructionist, Reform, and, in some cases, Conservative and Orthodox. He could go into a congregation and sing along with almost any prayer. It was sort of like me being able to sing versions of Holy, Holy or Lamb of God from the 60's, 70's and 80's. Yet, I was still struggling to sing Lecha Dodi or the Shema. To this day, I still refer to the prayer book for the words.

This is the music I was hearing at home.

In my mind, I sent my preschoolers to a Jewish day school to provide them with a history that I couldn't give them. I wanted them to learn the songs and prayers that have meaning in Judaism. When they came home singing those songs, I realized that the lack of shared musical history was not a problem for my children; it was a problem for me. I was the one missing out, and I had no musical history to share.

Books that an Interfaith Mom Could Love

As a family, we spent many afternoons and early evenings perusing the books at Barnes & Noble. My children always appreciated a gift card to a book store. Each week, we made time to visit the public library; we always had 10 books per child checked out. Up until the time my children were in Middle School, reading books together was part of our nightly ritual. When they were little ones, we read during the day as well. As an educator, good books with wonderful stories and illustrations are part of who I am. My favorite college course was Children's Literature with Dr. Dornish. Ah, the joy of picking up a good book and sharing it with children. And, when I was teaching, the day the Scholastic book order arrived was the best day of the month - for my students and for me.

Since we are an interfaith family, we read books about Christian holidays as well as Jewish holidays. However, I realized early on that the pickings were slim for books about Jewish holidays or Jewish themes. The fact that there were so many beautiful books about Christmas, and there was next to nothing about Chanukah annoyed me. Upon reflection, Chanukah is actually a minor holiday on the Jewish calendar. It is really only emphasized in the United States because it falls so close to Christmas. However, as an interfaith Mom, that gave me no solace. If everyone else's children had the opportunity to enjoy a book about their holiday, my children should as well. 

So, as I began looking for books for all Jewish holidays, I was saddened by the selection. Either the stories were ridiculous and trying to replicate the traditions of a Christian holiday that falls during the same season, or poorly written with mediocre images. When you have young children, you look for picture books with pictures that could be considered for the Caldecott Medal. As they reach chapter books, you hope for stories that are worthy of the Newbery Medal. The books I found were disappointing to say the least.

There were two exceptions. There were quite a few novels for young readers about being an interfaith family at Christmas. Also, while my daughter was in middle school, she read every book she could find that had a Holocaust theme, and there were many.

What I have been describing is based on my experience as a mother of young children. Fast forward to today. For those of you who would like to read to your children or provide your children with good books with Jewish themes, the news is good. Just recently, I was introduced to the PJ Library. On a monthly basis, children ages 6 months - 8 years can receive a free Jewish-themed book delivered to their doorstep. Oh, how I wish PJ Library existed when my children were little! I can just imagine the joy when the mail delivery arrived. On a recent afternoon, I had the opportunity to check out many of the books from PJ Library. The pictures? Fabulous! The stories? Engaging. The selection? Amazing! Although these books are also available at bookstores without the PJ imprint, as an extra bonus, the PJ Library-imprinted books have a book jacket flap that makes beautiful connections between the content and Jewish themes. By the way, for your older kids, there is PJ Our Way and PJ Goes to School. Those of you in Jewish homes with young children are very fortunate.

As we approach the Jewish High Holidays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I encourage you to begin your search for wonderful books. I hope you'll share your favorites in the Comments below. 

In Response to My Brother's Questions

This topic of my children being raised Jewish has really not come up in conversations between my brothers and sisters-in-law and me. Maybe it's a "boy" thing; they just never asked. And I really don't remember telling them. I assume my parents did.

One of my brothers has consistently gone out of his way to send our family cards for Chanukah, asked us about the High Holidays, and read about Judaism.

That same brother let me know that he is reading my blog. I am delighted. Today, he sent me an email asking me a few questions that I figured I'd respond to in a blog post, since others may be wondering the same thing.

First, he asked what happened to the cross in my logo. It seems that part of it was cut off on some screen resolutions (the reason I removed it from the blog until we sort that out). There was nothing more to the logo than that. My son created the image, and I liked that it showed the blending of our two faiths. However, they are distinctly different. Either way, I think that the technology malfunction sparked his questions.

Are you a practicing Catholic? 

I am not. If you are one of my friends from K-12, that probably surprises you. When our class was voting for most likely to succeed, I was voted most likely to become a nun! And, if you've ever listened to Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young, I feel like he was singing about me.

There was a time when I considered going back to the Church. I even went back to Mass a couple of times; however, I realized that I was just going through the motions.

So, there, I've said it. Before you judge, I hope you'll take a look at all of your family and friends who are Catholic and married to Catholics (or other "matching" religions) and consider whether or not they are practicing Catholics (or fill-in-the-blank).

Although my brother didn’t ask, I’ll answer. No, I haven’t converted.

Do the kids know anything about Christianity, traditions and holi/holy days? 

Absolutely! You'll read about our celebrations as we approach the holidays. But to be quick about it, we celebrate Christmas Eve every year with my niece's family. Then we spend Christmas Day with my nephew's family. The Christmas before my mom died, the kids decorated Grandmom and Grandpop's house for Christmas, since my parents weren’t up for it. My kids would not allow Christmas to pass without decorations. We decorate our house every year – just with snow men and ornament trees rather than with religious decorations and a green Christmas tree. My children understand what Christians believe about Jesus and his significance; however, they don’t understand the differences between Christians. I'm sure my daughter will begin to learn more during her college years.

Christmas on Shabbat

Since Easter and Good Friday were considered holy days at our house growing up, I've always treated it that way in our home. I did give our kids Easter baskets for quite a few years, and, of course we always visited my Mom and Dad. I even told my children all about the days within Holy Week and what that week is all about. However, without much non-religious tradition to fall back on, that has been the extent of our Easter celebration.

The only times my children have been to Mass has been one Christmas Eve and 2 funerals. I told them about the "St. Joseph" side of the church and the "Blessed Mother" side. (We always sat on the Blessed Mother side.) They've asked about Communion, incense, and the crucifix, which I explained as I would to my own students.

My Dad prayed the rosary every day for 70 years. Since it was very important to my Dad, they understand its significance as well.

So, yes, we have exposed our children to Catholicism. They love their Catholic family. However, they don't consider themselves half-Catholic.

My kids are Jewish and identify themselves as Jews with a Catholic mother and Catholic extended family.